Why am I still stuck in the past, reminiscing about my relationships with friends and refusing to grow up?

I sometimes feel like an extra in my fast-paced life, not the main character. I reminisce about my past relationships with friends through the American sitcom FRIENDS and feel lonely, unable to share my heart in real life. Now I realize the need to break free from the shackles of the past and become an adult.

 

When I look at the people around me, I realize that life is really like a high-speed train these days. Like a video with a broken rewind button that can only be played in fast forward, life rushes by before it has a chance to take on full meaning. What’s more, I’m not even enjoying this fast pace. I’m supposed to be the hero of my life, but it seems like everyone else is, and I’m just a third-rate extra in my own drama.
There’s a sitcom I love. It’s FRIENDS, an American sitcom about the hilarious lives of six friends in New York City. I have a deep connection with this show. As a child, I vaguely challenged myself to learn English without even liking it, and now, more than a decade later, when the memories of my childhood friends have faded, it has stayed with me. The photos and videos remain the same over time, but FRIENDS grows old with me. Compared to today’s dramas, it’s like a grandfather, full of faded images and old jokes.
And yet, I love the ‘old’ FRIENDS. It’s nothing special, really. We all get lost in nostalgia and reminiscing. And some would argue that this is the true meaning of human life, which is quickly fading away. For me, FRIENDS is a living memory. My childhood friends are all scattered and I only remember their names and occasionally check in with them on Facebook. They are just a remnant of my past. I miss them, but I can’t muster up the courage to contact them, perhaps because I’m afraid that they, once my jewels, have lost their shine, just like me. The moment I face them, I will feel a sense of loss, like all my memories will crumble.
But FRIENDS is different. Six friends in New York City are having fun and maintaining their friendship in the midst of a changing world. Each of them has a different personality, like parts of a robot, but together they create an organic world. In the midst of events large and small, both within and outside of that world, they laugh and talk together, and sometimes cry in the face of trials. Like the images in the old videos, they age with me, but their world is still pure of heart. Just like me and my friends when we were younger, the innocence they have for each other seems to sustain everything.
The first time I watched FRIENDS, I thought to myself, I’m so lucky to have friends who can open up like that. But over the course of more than a decade of watching the show, the friends I loved have all left my life. My childhood friends, with whom I shared an innocence, were left in Neverland, unable to return or see me again while I crammed for entrance exams. The new friends I’ve made since then feel like puppets, acting out situations. Neither I nor they are able to open up to each other with anything but empty veneers. Only after a few drinks do they open up a bit, but only for a moment. The next day, with a terrible hangover, all I feel is endless loneliness and loss. Neither alcohol nor new relationships can fill the void in my heart. I’m in a perpetual state of floating, unable to see beyond what’s in front of me.
But is this really the fault of FRIENDS alone? Maybe I’m trapped in the trap of being a “true friend” because of FRIENDS. Maybe those friends who once made me shine have changed. They probably grew up in similar circumstances to me, and in their memories, I’ve grown a beard, worried about money, and trying to make ends meet. The ambition of the twenty-something left me before a few years had passed, and all I have left now is a fearful heart.
Sadly, it seems that the way forward for me is to accept and adapt to the present as it is, rather than chase after the ideals of the past in a Peter Pan fantasy. I need to break free from the shackles of the past and learn to adapt to and enjoy my current relationships. I need to leave my friends and childhood friends in the memory and continue my journey. Breaking free from the past and becoming an adult is the way I should go. I can’t be Peter Pan. I have to break free from the childishness of my childhood. And yet, when I look back at my past friends and the six friends in FRIENDS, I am left with regret, because after all, I am a human being who misses memories and wants to enjoy them now.